Why trying leads nowhere.
Last week I met with a new prospect who was interested in hiring me as his coach.
“I’m trying to grow my business,” he said, “and I’m not having any success. After fifteen years I’m feeling trapped, frustrated, and depressed”.
When I asked him to describe how he markets his business or how much time he invests in business development activities, he couldn’t give me a specific answer. His marketing activities were random, reactive and unfocused.
I wasn’t surprised to hear about his lack of success because he told me, in one word, where his mindset is about his business.
He told me he was “trying”.
Whenever I hear someone tell me that they are trying to do something, what they are actually telling me is that they are simply interested in the idea of success but they have yet to commit to doing what it really takes to get there.
If this person was truly committed to growing his business he would have shown up differently to it.
I asked him to open up his calendar and count the number of hours he allocates in the last month to marketing and business development activities.
You can guess what his count was.
Zero.
I’ve come to believe that there are two types of people in the world. People who try and people who commit.
People who try often complain, cling to excuses and give up on their dreams too quickly. They put off doing the things they know they need to do and allow distractions to pull them away from their goals.
People who commit bring a different mindset to their lives. Their commitment shows up as activities on their calendar.
If this prospect was really committed to growing his business, he would actively schedule marketing and business development activities on a weekly basis. He would stop trying and start doing.
When we get comfortable with trying, even for a bit, we open the possibility of failure and give ourselves an out.
“Try” is a worthless word that accomplishes nothing. It might make us feel better when we fail, but it actually encourages behavior that leads to failure.
I told this prospect that in order for me to coach him, he would have to stop trying to grow his business and commit to doing the work it takes to achieve his goals. When I spelled out to him exactly what that would need to look like, I could tell that he felt a bit intimidated hearing what a commitment to growing his business means and that he wasn’t really interested in doing the work.
The reality is, when we really want something, we simply do what it takes to make it happen. And if we hire a coach to support us, the coaching process serves us inside of our creative process. If you don’t want to do something, fine. Don’t do it. But don’t pretend that trying is the same as doing. They are two completely different mindsets.
This person reached out to me thinking that coaching is the answer to his business problems. But from my experience, coaching only works when a person is excited about what they want to create. When you bring a commitment to creating yourself, having a coach by your side will expedite the creation process and move you forward towards your goals because they show you where your blind spots are and help you see the path more clearly.
The more we talked the more it became clear that this person felt stuck in his business and was not feeling fulfilled by the work anymore. What motivated him to stay in business was the responsibility he felt towards his employees and not the joy of the work. His lack of success wasn’t because of his lack of trying but because his heart wasn’t in it anymore. He was just too afraid to admit it to himself. He was denying his heart’s desire hoping that hiring a coach would magically transform his business. In reality, no coaching can motivate anyone to do something their heart isn’t devoted to.
When our heart isn’t leading the way in anything we do, the challenges we encounter along the way can easily bring us down and make us feel defeated. We can feel unmotivated and lost. But when we’re heart-driven, when we do something because we want to (not because we feel like we have to), challenges become a source of strength. We embrace them and welcome the opportunity for growth.
This person realized that he was using “trying” as an excuse to not look at the real reason his business is suffering. For the first time, he was willing to embrace the fact that it may be time for him to exit and begin a new chapter in his life.
He began to get excited about what’s possible for him. He began to see how his commitment to exiting his business could open up new opportunities for him. He didn’t let his fears lead the way but gave himself permission to dream.
I assured him that coaching him from this space would be more valuable and effective and, as his coach, I would guide him through that process. From that place, real creation can happen. There will be no trying involved, only doing to move his life forward in the direction his heart desires.
A trying mindset leads nowhere. It is doubt-filled, skeptical and low commitment. Saying “I’ll try” is like admitting upfront that you quite likely will not be doing that thing.
If there’s an area in your life that you feel like you are trying and not succeeding, take a closer look at the real reason why this may be occurring. It could be that whatever it is you are trying to do, isn’t what your heart really wants you to.
